


Five Star Service

by burglebezzlement



Category: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Genre: Gen, Halloween, Treat, Uber, rideshare snack bar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-16 17:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7276579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burglebezzlement/pseuds/burglebezzlement
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of all of the Ubers in all of Manhattan, Xan had to get into Kimmy’s.</p><p>
  <em>Xan’s not telling Kimmy she’s in town for a birding Big Day in Central Park. Just like she’s not telling Kimmy about the thirty-three new species of birds she’s added to her life list since moving to Connecticut.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m meeting my drug dealer,” Xan says, instead.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Star Service

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merryghoul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/gifts).



> I saw your prompt and had to do something with Kimmy and Xan! Their fights were my favorite part of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I also had more feelings than I realized about the fact that Kimmy is one of the only adults in Xan’s world who appreciates Xan for who she is.
> 
> I should note that people who are familiar with real-world Connecticut may find some bits of this confusing. The Connecticut in this story is the Connecticut of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt canon. Wholesome. Very bad at teaching revenge.

Xan is hoping that the photo on the Uber app is just misleading, right up until the moment when her driver pulls up in a busted-ass car, and — yeah. It’s Kimmy.

Kimmy, who actually looks happy to see her.

“Xan!” She’s practically bouncing out of the car to take Xan’s bags. “Hey! How have you been? It’s really good to see you.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not good to see you,” Xan says. Her train leaves in half an hour or she would totally be calling another Uber.

“Where to?” Kimmy asks, like the app didn’t already tell her.

“Penn Station.” Xan gives in and gets in the back seat. 

Kimmy pulls out into traffic, cutting off a yellow cab. Like she’s been doing this for a while, or like she’s just a really bad driver. The inside of the Uber smells weird, like garlic and burnt toast. There’s a dip station set up on the armrest between the front seats. It’s surrounded by crumbs.

“This place smells,” Xan says.

“It’s part of the Kimmy Uber Experience.”

“It’s not even refrigerated. I bet it’s growing listeria. You’re probably killing your passengers. You’re like the Listeria Mary of Uber drivers.”

“You’re not the New York Health Department of me, Xan.”

“Yeah, well, if I were I’d give you an F."

“And I would take that F and turn it into Famous Kimmy’s Uber and Snackmobile.”

“ _Ugh_.” Xan turns to look out the window.

“How’s Connecticut?”

“It’s horrible. You ruined my life.”

“How’s your mom?” Kimmy asks. “She seemed really nice.”

“Well, she’s not,” Xan says, glaring at Kimmy. “She’s the worst. Connecticut is the worst.”

When they get to Penn Station, Xan actually grabs _her own luggage_ to bolt from the car faster. 

“It was really good to see you, Xan,” Kimmy says, again, smiling at Xan from the passenger side window.

It almost sounds like she means it.

* * *

Xan’s not even surprised when the Uber driver who picks her up at the station just after sunrise is Kimmy Schmidt.

Kimmy keeps chattering while they drive uptown, telling Xan all about Titus and something called a Mikey and how they’re trying to buy Lillian’s building, only Mikey brought in one of his construction buddies to do an inspection and anyway, now the building’s condemned by the city because maybe it’s not actually a building.

“It’s okay, though,” Kimmy says. “Titus and I just go in and out the kitchen window.”

“Isn’t that how you get burglars?” Xan asks.

Kimmy just smiles at her again in the rearview window, the smile that makes it look like she actually is happy to see Xan.

“So what brings you into town?” Kimmy asks. “I know you were visiting your dad last time.”

Xan’s not telling Kimmy she’s in town for a birding Big Day in Central Park. Just like she’s not telling Kimmy about the thirty-three new species of birds she’s added to her life list since moving to Connecticut. 

“I’m meeting my drug dealer,” Xan says, instead.

“Really?” Kimmy’s eyes in the rearview mirror look concerned. 

“It’s none of your business,” Xan says. “Just let me out here.”

Kimmy pulls over. “Xan?”

Xan pauses, her hand on the door handle. “Yeah?”

“Here’s my card.” Kimmy hands over a piece of cardboard that looks like it’s been cut from a Starbucks cup. “It’s got my personal number. If you need anything, you call me, okay?”

“ _Ugh_ ,” Xan says. “You are so weird.”

But she takes the card before she gets out of the car.

Once she gets to the assembly point for the Big Day, Xan opens up the Uber ap. Hovers her finger over one star.

Hovers.

Thinks about the fact that Kimmy actually seemed happy to see her. 

And then Xan hits five stars. She hits submit before she can change her mind, and locks her phone and shoves it in her pocket.

She just gave Kimmy five stars, and she refuses to think about it.

* * *

Xan’s friends in Connecticut were planning apple-bobbing for their Halloween party. Actual apple-bobbing. Not even ironic apple-bobbing.

Clearly Xan had no choice but to come into Manhattan to celebrate, with her real friends. But hanging out with her Connecticut nerd friends has reduced her drinking tolerance. Which is why she’s outside. And drunk. And freezing cold.

She’s calling Kimmy before she has time to think too much about it.

Xan recognizes Kimmy’s shitty car when it pulls up, but in the driver’s seat — how drunk is she? Is that a bear driving the car?

“Kimmy?” Xan asks.

The bear lifts its head. “Hey, Xan!” Kimmy says, her voice muffled inside the costume.

“Kimmy, why are you… why?”

“I read about it on my Uber driver newsletter,” Kimmy says. “They said wearing a witch’s hat or a clown nose would be a fun treat for passengers on Halloween. And I figured, hey! Why not go all the way?”

Xan gets in the car. “Is it even safe to drive in that thing?”

“It’s _fun_ ,” Kimmy insists. “I like your… what is that costume?”

Xan scowls. Her costume was _supposed_ to be Slutty Escaped Elephant, but apparently after all the news attention the costume had been backordered and instead the costume site sent her Slutty Double Rainbow. A meme older than Xan. It’s basically just two rainbow-colored ribbons over her shoulders and some strategically placed cotton glued onto a miniskirt for the clouds.

But Connecticut doesn’t have any slutty costume shops, just wholesome costume shops where you can dress up like Anna Von Trapp or maybe Mary-Ann, the most wholesome of the Baby-Sitter’s Club. So Xan’s choices were Slutty Double Rainbow, or figuring out where to cut holes in a Sponge-Bob Square Pants costume to make it sufficiently slutty for a Manhattan Halloween. 

“Are you cold?” Kimmy asks, sympathetically. “There’s a blanket on the other seat if you want. I know most of the other young women I’ve picked up tonight have been cold.”

“I guess you don’t get cold if you dress like a freak,” Xan says, but the truth is that it’s October in New York, it’s freezing, and she’s envious of Kimmy’s bear costume. It looks warm.

Xan glares at Kimmy, and then picks up the blanket and pulls it over herself. It’s scratchy and wool and it smells like garlic, like everything in Kimmy’s shitty car, even though she’s swapped out the dip and pita station for a selection of weird gummy Halloween candy.

“So where to, Xan?” Kimmy asks from inside the bear costume.

“I don’t know.” Xan stares out the window.

Someone honks behind them. “Do you need a place to stay?” Kimmy asks.

“I just want to go home,” Xan says, from under the blanket.

Kimmy takes off the bear head and looks back at her. “Home to Connecticut? I think we can do that.”

Xan lets herself drift, under the blanket, as Kimmy drives along the river. 

“Why are you so nice to me?” Xan asks, finally. 

“Why don’t you want people to be nice to you? People should be nice to you, Xan.”

Yeah. Maybe people in Connecticut. People who don’t really know her.

* * *

Xan’s distracted by a text from Vidalia, which means that Xan doesn’t notice it’s Kimmy picking her up.

Kimmy looks up into the rearview mirror when Xan gets in, and her eyes go smiley like they do when she’s happy to see someone. “Xan! I didn’t realize it was you! How are you?”

“Fine,” Xan says.

She stares out the window while Kimmy pulls out, and then looks back up at the rearview mirror. 

Kimmy’s still smiling at her, like maybe she cares or whatever.

“I have to apply for colleges this year,” Xan says. 

“College! That’s awesome.”

“It’s _so not_ ,” Xan says, and she finds herself telling Kimmy all about it. SATs and reference letters and her mom hiring a tutor to write her essay for her, which is bogus, because Xan got a perfect score on the writing section of the SAT and her mom would know that if she ever paid attention.

“And my parents,” Xan says. “My dad wants to marry me off to one of his Saudi friends.” Not that there’s any danger of this. Xan’s done very well for herself in Model UN. She knows how to cause an international incident and she will _use that knowledge_ if he tries. But. “And Mom wants me to go to some all-girls college in like, the Berkshires or some shit like that.”

Kimmy merges right in front of a yellow cab and then looks back at Xan in the rearview mirror. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, Xan, it’s that you can’t just ten-seconds-at-a-time it through your own life. What do you want? You should go for that.”

“I want to go to NYU,” Xan says.

“That’s awesome!” Kimmy’s smiling again. “You should do that.”

“Yeah, but Dad’s not going to pay anyone off to get me in,” Xan says.

“So?” Kimmy squeaks through a yellow light. “You get straight As. You’re in AP Latin. You can get in on your own, Xan.”

“You really think so?” Xan asks, hating herself for asking.

“I know so,” Kimmy says, and she sounds so sure, Xan can almost believe it herself.

When they get to the station, Kimmy gets out to pull Xan’s bags out of the back.

“Good luck,” Kimmy says. “Not that you’ll need it! NYU needs to get ready for you.”

Xan looks down at her bags, and then she hugs Kimmy. Hard.

Kimmy hugs back until Xan drops her arms. “Um,” Xan says. “So, whatever.”

“See you soon,” Kimmy says.

And she smiles like she’ll be happy to see Xan again.


End file.
